Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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