Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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