You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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