I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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