i think my tv is drunk
I think I died a long time ago.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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