I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
