You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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