Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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