Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
