Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
