Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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