God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
