she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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