I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Tornado booty call.. dedication
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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