Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
