I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
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