Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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