none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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