soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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