I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
