how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
