My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
