Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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