just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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