I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
