went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Randomize
