Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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