Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
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