im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
