spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
