it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
