i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
