mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
