between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
