it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
