I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
