I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
