Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
