Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
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