Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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