this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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