i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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