Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
