He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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