Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
