i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
