The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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