Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
