is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
