clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
