M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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