I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
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I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
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Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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