i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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