Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
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the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
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Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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