I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Drake has all the answers
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
