You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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